On Doing Things That Terrify You
PART 1:
This summer I was in my first play since highschool. To understand my terror, you have to know a little backstory.
I have audition fright.
I can teach in front of large groups, speak in front of large groups, but audition? No.
When I heard my favorite director was doing my favorite show (Mamma Mia) at my favorite theater AND my family was joining me? I had to audition.
Cue: terror.
My theory was that preparation was key, so I hired a client who is a pianist and director in her own right to work with me. I rehearsed every day for the month leading up to the audition.
And then...they called my name.
I walked out on the stage and my memory starts to get patchy because I exit my body.
I remember lights.
I remember the directors shapes.
I remember my client giving me a reassuring smile.
I remember starting to sing.
I remember a tear sliding down my face.
I remember feeling trapped and unable to get over, under, or around my terror.
I had to go through it.
I don't remember anything else.
My memory comes back at the end and voices start talking. The voice says something about how it takes great courage to be so vulnerable.
(As Brene Brown would say, I was "in the arena.")
Then, because this is how I work in terror, I tried to lighten the room by saying something funny.....
Wait for it...
So I say, in front of this group of people who work for a theater specializing in mentoring young people...
"Seriously vulnerable! I pretty much showed you my vagina just now!"
....W.T.H.????? What an ass. More down below in Part 2. There are lessons here. Promise.
PART 2:
My brain is a trickster.
Here's what normal people who are in a musical expect:
You will sing.
You will dance.
You will sing and dance at the same time.
Ummm...did I mention my brain is a trickster!? (Say it like Gollum says "tricksy" in Lord of the Rings and you'll be closer...)
My brain likes to drop out of participating during high stress events...just to f*CK with me. Here’s the script:
Brain: Are you sure you know the words?
Me: Yes.
Brain: You sure?
Me: I think so.
Brain: Really?
Me: (blanks)
So first came learning the music. I was singing harmony so I had to learn the notes and be able to find them.
Then came learning the words to the songs and add them to the music.
Then the bastards wanted me to dance ON TOP OF SINGING!!!
What in the hell?!?
(Yes. You'd think I'd have thought this through before auditioning.)
I am DEAD SERIOUS that I didn't think that this was going to be able to happen.
So I worked my ass off. Every day, wherever I was, you could find me trying to sing and dance AT THE SAME TIME.
I had about a 50/50 success rate.
My family thought I was being silly... because they don't understand my brain.
TRUTH: My brain would have me on stage frozen in place, slack-jawed, with tears streaming down my face. I'm not kidding.
For the first run through, I made a cheat sheet that was in my bra for the entire run of the show. I'd pull it out before songs to refresh my brain.
See the corner that's missing? I ripped out some notes and taped them onto the set so I could look at them onstage.
I kept a script backstage and used it the entire time.
Every moment of every rehearsal and of every show I was doing battle with my brain...
...willing it to join me and to not f*CK with me once the show opened...
And that is where we'll pick this story up in Part 3…
PART 3:
You’d think this would be all about opening night.
But there was magic everywhere during Mamma Mia.
The magic of PEOPLE after being isolated for so long.
The magic of sheer talent being unleashed and being allowed to witness it.
The magic of collaboration and working together to make something beautiful.
Sharing that something beautiful with the world.
Hoping that something beautiful would touch people, reach people and help people.
Before I tell you about opening night, I have to tell you about the cast and crew.
We came from all places and as much as I would have liked, there wasn’t much time to KNOW people. But my impressions were that this was a group of people who missed performing so very much.
Most were experienced performers and craftsman who knew their craft and loved to share their gifts.
And most were super patient with me and showed kindness beyond measure. From helping me sort out choreography to standing next to me backstage to help me find my notes.
I think that is the gift of community theatre – that people from various places come together and create something.
So…opening night.
I was doing battle with my brain. My worst fear was that I’d get out there and forget something and be standing there frozen.
To be clear, I was in the chorus…no one was looking at me. We are creating a tableau for the lead actors to shine in front of, right? But it didn’t matter. There wasn’t any way to de-load this. I just had to keep overriding my brain when it would get tricksy with phrases like:
Piss off.
I have this.
I know this.
And then, the show began.
Friends, it was the most fun ever. I wish I could share with you video people got of the audience. One thing is for sure, we all needed some fun.
What I learned is this…anything is possible. Anything at all. And even when you are so far outside of your comfort zone, you can still learn – expand – grow.
So if you have wanted to try something new, do something different, experiment in some way.
Dear friend, do the thing.
Make your bucket list.
Fill it with items big and small.
And start crossing the things off.
We’re here riding this rock for such a short time. We have lost so much…time, people, sense of ‘normal’, sense of ‘safety.’
What have we got to lose?
Except growing, changing, evolving.
What is the old saying about ending your life all used up, skidding in yelling, “YEEHAW!”
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming “Wow! What a Ride!”
Yes.
What have you wanted to try?
What have you wanted to taste?
What gives you that little bit of feeling of terror?
Do it.
Because when you do, you remember what it feels like to LIVE. Not just in the every day, not just in the ordinary – which are so lovely.
But also in the freefall, in the wide-eyed “catch me” and in the new friends eyes.
Let’s do this.
xoxo
I have a free mini-course called “Birthing Your Dreams.” It includes the tools that have helped me “do the things.” If you’d like it, click the button below and it’ll get dropped in your inbox.
SIDEBAR: I was really honored to receive the Legacy Award given to the cast member who was a positive and hard-working team member. This touched me to my core that the creative team could see how hard I was battling my brain and how hard I worked. Grateful is a small word, but I mean it with all of my cells.
Photo cred: Kara Salava